He knew I was upset, so despite being exhausted, he stayed up and waited for me to come to bed.
I'm sure he heard me crying just a few rooms away, as I sat on the pantry floor, putting in a new needle, after discovering problems with my current infusion site.
“Are you ok?” he asked.
"Yeah" (I lied).
“Are you crying?”
"Yeah", I sniffled as snots came pouring out of my nose.
“Do you wanna come over here and cuddle?” he asked (I could hear the smile on his face), as he pulled me toward him, forcing me to cuddle.
"ok" I whispered, like a little girl, beginning to uncontrollably weep.
He wrapped his arms around me tightly, making me feel safe. "Did you get a new needle in?" he said calmly. I knew he was trying to help me see something good at the moment.
"yeah" I whispered again.
"Then everything is going to be ok," he calmly rationalized.
"I’m just really frustrated." I began to weep even harder.
“I understand,” he sympathized.
"I’m tired of poking myself". I whined, again like a little girl.
“I understand,” He said again.
Diabetes has been kicking my butt this week. Not so much as far as blood sugar goes. It’s the emotional side of it all that has taken a toll on me lately.
First, there was the awful news of Eilish, then going through 4 failed and painful sensors in 24 hours, and now a late night infusion set issue.
It’s weeks like this that make me feel like it’s just too overwhelming.
It’s too much work, and I’m tired of it.
I don’t wanna poke myself anymore.
I don’t wanna measure and weigh and count the carbs of every stinkin thing I put into my mouth.
I don't wanna plan out my every move, constantly thinking about where my blood sugar is at.
I don't wanna be reminded of the complications of living with Diabetes for 21 years that are possibly waiting around the corner for me.I know I shouldn’t “give up”…and I’m certainly not…it just feels like this week, Diabetes wins.
Sometimes I just need to cry it out. I need to get mad and say, "It's not fair, I didn't ask for this, why me..." I need Derek to hold me and to listen to me while I'm upset, and to tell me he understands.
...but then I need to get up, determined to not let Diabetes upset me or stop me from doing anything I want to do.
So I woke up this morning, knowing it was a brand new day, and everything seemed a little bit better.
Psalm 30:5b "Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning."