Monday, October 25, 2010


I turned the lights off and crawled into bed last night (MUCH later than I had wanted), while an episode of Fresh Prince of Belair played in the background.

He knew I was upset, so despite being exhausted, he stayed up and waited for me to come to bed.

I'm sure he heard me crying just a few rooms away, as I sat on the pantry floor, putting in a new needle, after discovering problems with my current infusion site.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

"Yeah" (I lied).

“Are you crying?”

"Yeah", I sniffled as snots came pouring out of my nose.

“Do you wanna come over here and cuddle?” he asked (I could hear the smile on his face), as he pulled me toward him, forcing me to cuddle.

"ok" I whispered, like a little girl, beginning to uncontrollably weep.

He wrapped his arms around me tightly, making me feel safe. "Did you get a new needle in?" he said calmly. I knew he was trying to help me see something good at the moment.

"yeah" I whispered again.

"Then everything is going to be ok," he calmly rationalized.

"I’m just really frustrated." I began to weep even harder.

“I understand,” he sympathized.

"I’m tired of poking myself". I whined, again like a little girl.

“I understand,” He said again.

Diabetes has been kicking my butt this week. Not so much as far as blood sugar goes. It’s the emotional side of it all that has taken a toll on me lately.
First, there was the awful news of Eilish, then going through 4 failed and painful sensors in 24 hours, and now a late night infusion set issue.
It’s weeks like this that make me feel like it’s just too overwhelming.
It’s too much work, and I’m tired of it.
I don’t wanna poke myself anymore.
I don’t wanna measure and weigh and count the carbs of every stinkin thing I put into my mouth.
I don't wanna plan out my every move, constantly thinking about where my blood sugar is at.
I don't wanna be reminded of the complications of living with Diabetes for 21 years that are possibly waiting around the corner for me.
I know I shouldn’t “give up”…and I’m certainly not…it just feels like this week, Diabetes wins.

Sometimes I just need to cry it out. I need to get mad and say, "It's not fair, I didn't ask for this, why me..." I need Derek to hold me and to listen to me while I'm upset, and to tell me he understands.

...but then I need to get up, determined to not let Diabetes upset me or stop me from doing anything I want to do.
So I woke up this morning, knowing it was a brand new day, and everything seemed a little bit better.

Psalm 30:5b "Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning."


  1. awww I'm sorry it was a tough weekend:-( I can't even imagine how hard that must be! Good for you for not letting it stop you from doing what you wanna do! I'll be prayin things get better! Love you!

  2. Thanks Cor!!! I really appreciate it. I miss you. Feels like it's been forever since we've talked. I'll call you soon. LOVE YA!

  3. I wish I were there to give you a big hug! I'm sorry you had a bad week. You don't deserve diabetes at all, but He doesn't give us anything we can't handle, right? Keep your chin up! You're doing great! Love you!

  4. jen, i wish i could walk over to your office or meet you in the commons and give you a big hug! i'll be praying for you, friend. glad you were encouraged by that verse though - its a good one. ;)

    love and miss you, friend.

  5. Jen- my first time to your blog...I loved how you wrote this- with honesty and truth. I feel in your words the reality of living with something chronic like this, but I also hear hope. glad God gave you Derek that night. :)

    great to see the other week. and good to hear your voice and heart here!

  6. Bon, you are so right. In the midst of my whining, I did remember that He doens't give us more than we can handle. Thanks for the encouragement!

    Ilene, I miss and love you too! Come back soon :)
    Thanks for the encouragement!

  7. Erin. Thanks for reading...and for the encouragement. It was SO good seeing you and catching up as well!

  8. Awwww Jen Im so sorry that you had a rough week.. However you are an INSPIRATION to many, and handle Diabetes with such strength.. everyone is allowed to be a little down once in a while.. We are not perfect.. Sorry you had to experience this, but LOVE the creativity you put in to the writing! Love you!:)
    T and Baby Pilecki:)

  9. Katie: Thanks! I appreciate it!

    Partice: You always know what to say :) Thank you so much...YOU are an inspiration to me to get everything in place so I can have a baby!!! Give Baby P kisses for me! Love ya!

  10. i agree w/ all the statements above!! i was truly touched by your honesty w/ the struggles you have but also encouraged by your strong faith and wonderful hubby D-Rock! we miss you guys! hope to see you soon! frank wants to go to that italian restaurant near your place again- Rose Angelis i think it's called?

    hang in there!

  11. Thanks "G-rass"!!! Yes, D-Rock is more than amazing and better than anything I could've dreamed of :)
    Yes! Let's plan a time to go to Rose Angelis...I was just thinking about that place the other day :)

  12. Hello! I followed your link off a comment you left on my husband's running blog. After reading through your blog I just wanted to tell you a fellow diabetic friend of his calls it the 'cryabetes' when she gets down about it and I thought that was great. I think with Diabetes 24/7, it's perfectly acceptable to get 'cryabetes' once in a while! Have a great weekend! Mindy Schmidt

  13. Mindy, thanks for the comment. "Cryabetes"...I LOVE it!
    Thanks for reading...and enjoy your week.

  14. Wow, Jen. I just found your blog through another D-blog and this was one of the first posts I read. I was diagnosed with Type 1 about 20 years ago and SO get what you are saying. I really feel like you wrote down the same things that I think on my "diabetes burnout" days, when I'm just so very over it and want it to go away for a minute. It doesn't seem fair.

    I'm so glad you have such a great husband and supporter. I feel the same way about my husband and he's been such a comfort to me. Especially when (on top of the burnout) I feel like a wimp for just not "being used to it" after 20 years with the same disease. He reminds me that it's a lifestyle that sucks so much there isn't much "getting used to it."

    Just wanted to say hi and introduce myself and let you know that, as weird as this sounds, there are complete strangers out there who fight the same battles, feel the same way and totally get it! ;-)


    PS: I, too, LOVE sweet potato fries. My faves are the Alexia fries. YUM!